Heavy Load

Mmm, first thing I realize is that i am shivering and wet laying her shivering in the morning dew. No its rain, the wind must have blown so hard through the night that the rain was blowing sideways. My hip is sore from lying on my side even though I seemed to shift restlesly every 20 minutes or so. The smell of wet denim and the smoldering fire makes me wish I was back in the warmth of my bed at home. Why was I so quick to leave home? Thinking then that the old man was holding me back, I couldnt wait to get to the city. What an idiot! Havent brushed my teeth in at least two weeks, my socks are soaked, feet hurt all the time and my head wont stop itching. I would kill for a warm bath and some 400 count cotton sheets.

Things always look so different in the daylight I thought I was under a bridge and it seems like a railroad trussel or over flow from a creek to a slough. Im definately not the first to use this as a shelter from the cigarette butts and the small scattered scorched timber laying around. The sky is grey and a slight wind sure makes October feel real. The winter is slowly creeping its way into the flatlands of Kansas as I find my way home.

Two years ago I left home and the famliy business thinking I was better off on own and I remember that look on my fathers face, suprised .. no shock .. maybe suprise but I keep telling myself there was a tear in his eye. Man I miss my dad and the mornings in the coffee shop eating cinamon rolls and listening to the stories all the old men would be telling about fishing down at the river with visiting grandkids and church events like the monthly potluck and Mrs. Bates chocolate pie mmm //Ive got to keep moving. //

I left with nothing but my clothes and a promise that my future was mine, no one could tell me what to do ...not my brother... not my dad.... all on me .. all aboutme. Yeah so what I got a student loan and back into school a job and more bills and no time to enjoy anything but maybe some beers on a friday night and then broke and waiting for work and work to get paid and sit there feeling sorry for myself in a strange town away from my family. My moms meat loaf seemed to be like a family heirloom, dads big bowl of popcorn on the couch watching a football game and ...well you get the picture. Everything seemed hopeless until things got worse. Opportunity to make some quick money and friends that werent really friends but thiefs with no beliefs other than the idea that im the one with money and very popular. Couldnt see past my lonliness to know I was getting set up. My girl friend just moved out and left me with all the bills and a shattered heart.

Maybe four hours and Ill be home, please be home ... please be home. Three days hitchhiking and last night under a railroad bridge has left me a shadow, empty, a sliver of my existence. Please lord I just want to be a son. I want to be part of something bigger than myself. Hungrier for love of family the familiar smells of home the comfort of those walls that never moved, seemed like a world that needed me .... now to find pitiful me. Long behind me now is the long nights and waking up sore, coughing, broke and mad at myself for wasting my pay on liquor and girls that didnt care who I was. Walking down these railroad tracks just thinking each step closer I come closer to home. Dad would always see the homeless people by the tracks and invite them up to the house. We always had apples from the trees and potatoes in the cellar to send with them after a warm meal and laughing on the porch. Never passing up a chance to break out the bible and read to them while they were eating. Here I thought they must think we are fools, but the smiles and hopeful looks in their eyes seem so real to me now.

If Dad would just see me as drifter, I pray he would treat me as a stranger welcoming me in I would gladly leave to sleep by the river to just see their loving faces and let them know how foolish I am. My brother my brother dont you know.... no matter how dirty, how lonely, how full of despair you might be The father loves you and gave his son to give you that warm bed, familiar love, family you will have wherever you go. Lifting your burden no matter how heavy it might be he is the Great I AM! He can carry the load, if you yield your way to THE WAY! Its really simple and it comes as you are now, as simple as it sounds to ask for forgiveness and a new life with Christ as the LORD of your life. Starting the way you are and growing daily to come closer, to please him. You change, things dont seem as fun or important unless its to please him. And yeah Im a big dumb sinner but man life is grand living with my father, he makes me right and lights my path.